Opened Doors – Access Granted

Response to Melissa.

Thanks for leaving a comment and asking! I am sure that this is information many others wanted to know as well.

P.S I hope everyone is well! I miss reporting for you guys about how things were going for me in Japan.

Time was slipping through my hands like grains of sand. There is no way to actual slow down time. Did I actually want it to slow down, though? I wasn’t even sure. In some ways I was ready to return. In some ways I was ready to go back to not worrying so much about everything. I was ready to come back to the real world and deal with true life. Japan has been a dream. Even during the bad times when I felt hurt or upset…in the grand scheme of things the problems that I had in Japan were actually entirely so small. Waiting for a lot of us is family that love us. However for many of us going back to our family means having to face problems we’ve long forgotten about. It’s not very exciting to think about going back to the same unhealthy routine that many of us had left behind. Also there is the harsh reality that although we’ve probably matured and changed, many of those back at home may not have changed at all. So in that sense I wanted to stay in Japan, or even just in Asia.

My host parents seemed emotional way before it was time to get emotional. At the mention of time running out, I would notice my host mother’s eyes fill with tears. As I finished dinner and left the kitchen, I could hear her blowing her nose. She made me realize that the Funato family was not just a host family but my true Japanese family. I’ve had several issues with them and they with me. I’ve been scolded at by them and made to feel like a child all over again. I’ve been taught by them. I’ve been invited into their house, introduced to their family, and made to feel as part of their home. I remember once I was feeling a little down and not talking as much during dinner when Otousan tells me, “You’re not in good spirits.” They paid attention to my health, my diet, and genuinely cared about me more than just as a foreign exchange student. Sometimes I would say nonsensical things or not understand something and my host mom would playfully slap my arm and say, “You never pay attention!” Then we’d both laugh at how spaced out and forgetful that I am. Through all of our ups and downs, I realized that they did everything possible to supplement my understanding of Japanese culture. Even during the times that I felt completely constricted by them following every single move that I made and expecting a variety of things from me, I knew that it was because they had a love and care for me.

For the graduation ceremony at Kansai Gaidai, my host mom pulled out an old yukata summer robe from Otousan’s closet. “This was Otousan’s father’s yukata back when he was still alive. I want you to wear this to the graduation ceremony,” she said. I couldn’t believe it. She was entrusting in me something so connected with their family history. She made me get into it and tied the sash of my obi around my waist and gave me a rough little slap of approval on my arm. “It’s a perfect fit!!” She exclaimed in between a fit of childish, excited giggles. She handed me a pair of huge geta shoes and demanded that I practice walking in them so that I wouldn’t fall the day of the ceremony. The day had arrived for me to put everything into practice and I couldn’t believe that it had come down to this moment. I remember walking around their home and feeling fascinated by everything and was moved to tears to have been given such an opportunity. Now here I was walking away feeling as though it were my own home, one that I shared with them. They had me pose in a variety of angles and all around the house. They even proudly flaunted me off to the neighbors before heading off to school. She continuously expressed relief at my normal body size. The previous students that they had hosted had either been too tall, too large, or a bit overweight and were not suitable for the yukata or geta shoes. Walking through the school was interesting mostly because my feet were killing me. The geta shoes were a little small on me and also difficult to walk in. We got pulled over by  a photographer who took a photo of my host mom and I. She seemed proud to have me by her side which made me happy because it made me feel that I had actually done something right for a change. I’d been beginning to think that they were unsatisfied with their experience with me. However, judging from the way we parted ways I will never doubt that our connection is a strong bond that will continue on into the future.

It was hard for me to say good bye to everything. I’m not sure when the next time will be when I will be able to return to Asia or Japan. I don’t know if I truly want to return to work and live in Japan. Although I enjoyed it very much I have to be realistic with myself and weigh my options. I need to decide if the things that I found frustrating while here will prevent me from truly being happy if I do come back for my career. I have lots of planning, deciding, and thinking that I need to do. Either way in these moments it pained me to see anything that reminded me of someone or of a certain experience or memory. I didn’t want to let go. That night there

was a good-bye party at a park with many other exchange students. Saying good bye was so difficult for me, something I am not sure I was expecting. I hugged friends from all parts of the world, each that I had experienced something different with. Many friendships that I had when the program started unfortunately did not end very well, but I do not look back with any bitter feelings or hold anything against those people. I wish those people the best that this world to offer and I am simply grateful for the good times we had while we did have them. I’ve gained new friendships that I will continue on into the future. I’ve been given so many experiences that I can look back on and smile about at the simple thought of them. I will miss having such an international group of friends. I will definitely miss the diversity and all of the great things we taught each other. I’d always considered myself someone who was good with good-byes until this year. This year was pretty much when I realized that I fail at this kind of thing.

Two days later was my time to say good bye to my host parents and all of Japan. Could I manage? I did but only just barely. Literally I barely managed to leave the country itself because I misplaced my passport the very morning I was supposed to leave. I seriously don’t exaggerate when I say that I am careless, forgetful, and clumsy. This was pretty awful because not only did I stress out my poor host parents, I had lots of issues trying to figure out how I was going to fix this mess of a problem. I found the passport eventually but the issue was now rescheduling my flight. Oh, I actually couldn’t reschedule or get a refund for the plane ticket. I seriously hated myself that entire day. BUT things semi worked out and I was going to leave the country either way thankfully.

It was pouring that morning and I could sense the sadness in the air. I was impressed with how well I had been coping up until the moment that my host mom came around while I was double checking my bags. She comes towards me and immediately starts crying and tells me, “Chris come back to Japan because I will be waiting for you.” My chest got heavy but I tried to laugh it off and told her not to cry or worry. Next thing I know we’re driving towards the station to drop me off near the bus loading zone for the special limousine bus that takes passengers directly to the airport. I could hear my host mom crying in the back seat quietly to herself. My host dad remained quiet and fixed his gaze on the road. I took in the details of the town, the architecture, the people riding their bicycles in the rain, and a flood of memories came flowing in. A tear rolled down my face. Shoot, I wasn’t composing myself. I couldn’t stop the tears as much as I tried. When we arrived to the bus stop I saw that other students from Kansai Gaidai were also there waiting. I didn’t want to be seen crying in front of them. My host parents offered to wait with me until I left so that they could see me off. Having them there made me more emotional. In between tears and small sobs, my host mom asked me how I felt in that moment. My voice cracked a bit and I told her, “I can’t say anything right now.” Then my host dad tells me in English, “We will miss you very much.” It was a genuine gesture. It was a very dedicated attempt at conveying a message to me in English. We spoke Japanese all the time at home and to hear this come out of his mouth was amazing and I appreciated that he expressed himself in such a way. I know that they are not used to expressing their emotions using such direct words. So that did it. I was crying like a baby now. So was my host mom. My host dad was calm and although he may have felt sad inside he did not show it at all on his face. The other Japanese waiting for the bus probably were confused at why I wasn’t ever speaking English and why I was crying with two elderly Japanese people. It must’ve looked like a scene from a drama of some sort.

I am entirely thankful to the Funato’s for everything even though sometimes they may have doubted that I cared. I remember my host mother crying for me when I told her a little bit about my past and family history. Now here she was crying and hugging me like I was her own son. She has shown me the emotions that I have always said that Japanese seldom rarely express. This only further shows how important this moment was. This only emphasizes my relationship with them. I got close to their grandchildren Shouta and Ami and will always think of them in the future as well. As I’ve said many times before, I have gained a great respect for Japan through this year. I’ve fought, laughed, cried, and sang with Japan all through these months. I don’t know what the future has waiting for me. I don’t know where I may be in the years to come. I don’t know whether it’ll be in Japan or in some other part of the world. This year has shown me that I can do much more than I thought I was capable of doing. Although things are unclear for me right now, I know for sure that I will one day return to Japan even if it’s to visit the family that supported me during my time. Even if it’s to sit beneath a sakura tree and toast to life for a day or two. One day I will return to the land that has allowed me to grow.

ビスカロンド・クリストファー

２００９−２０１０ Kansai Gaidai

My final week in Japan has arrived and I feel as though I am floating in a standstill. I don’t believe it’s actually true. Maybe I’ve somehow convinced myself that it can’t be true. Everyday I have gone to school and come back home as if it weren’t ever going to end. I haven’t particularly let myself get down about it either. The moment that I have been dreading had already arrived and I was surprisingly coping well. No biggie, right?

Okay, let’s speed up a little bit to where there are only three days left.

I’m riding my bike to Hirakata station to meet up with some friends. The friends that have been there through this year long experience helping me grow and vice versa. I’ve gotten used to the half an hour ride from Tsuda, where my host parent’s live, to where the station is located. I remember thinking that the ride was awful. My body ached. I complained in my head and moaned all the way to the station. Now I was in love with every minute of the half an hour that it took. I looked around at the houses, the rice paddies, and all of the things that make the place memorable for me. In a few days I won’t see rice paddies anymore. Just in a few days I won’t be seen off by my host family as we continuously bow to each other until I’m practically out of sight. The simple act of biking to meet up with friends will even be an act that I will kiss away and stow in my folder of memories. Was I seriously as ready as I thought I was? Maybe not.

Reading back to older posts is interesting because I see how I’ve grown and how much I’ve learned. I feel as though I am on a different level personally. I remember feeling frustrated during the times that I thought I wasn’t improving in Japanese. I remember feeling disappointed when I felt I wasn’t growing personally as much I had expected.

Oh, shoot now here I am reminiscing. Fine, let me just admit that during the final I was a complete mess. There it is documented, official, and on the internet. I’ve nothing to hide at this point.  You guys have read along and know of some of my many embarrassing moments. You have seen me during the times I’ve been upset, moved, and confused. Sometimes all at the same time.You’ve seen me rant on and try to figure out Japanese culture. So I guess I might as well take it a step further and say that I was like a little child. I didn’t want to let go of this experience that I’ve had this year. I don’t want to say good bye to Japan.

As I’ve explained before, Japan has become something of a friend. Even when I was angry and frustrated at not being able to cope better with cultural differences Japan taught me patience and respect. I was exhausted from the pressure that I felt from my host parents and it was crushing me. I never spoke about it on this blog because I’ve grown to love them as a true family and it would not be respectful to talk about our issues online. My experience in Japan taught me how to live life. It gave me friends that I will never forget. I’m so thankful to my Japanese friends that were there to listen to my complaints and offer advice with dealing with cultural misunderstandings and differences. I’m even so thankful to the embarrassing moments I’ve had because I have learned because of them.

This has been my childhood dream. This has been something that I used to pray for and think that I would never get the chance to live. I would always hear about financial hardships growing up and figured that a flight to Asia would be nothing but a mere dream or illusion. I didn’t think that someone like me would have had this chance. No one in my family has had this opportunity before. But here I am. I visited temples in Japan, Thailand, and South Korea. I got my chance to see geisha and maiko perform during spring in a kabuki hall. I snowboarded in a mountain in Nagano, my first time ever doing so. I was able to go to Hiroshima and pay my respects to victims of a tragic and horrific event. I bathed in a public outdoor onsen, hot spring, with bamboo surrounding me and the night sky to look up to. I improved my language skills far beyond I had even noticed. I dared myself and sang publicly for the first time. So many things I had dreamt of doing finally became a reality.

Japan has a place in my heart that I can’t ever forget. A piece of Japan will always be with me. I am not an expert about Japan. Maybe a lot of things I have written about may or may not be incorrect. It truly varies with every individual. We all will walk different paths in life. No path will be the same. We won’t meet the same people. We won’t have the same abilities or experiences. Most importantly we won’t all be in the country for the same amount of time. One year is just not enough and I can’t emphasize it anymore. One year is me just beginning to scratch the surface to something much more immense. I am a student and will eternally be a student.

I don’t really know why I had taken so long to go to Tokyo. I guess it’s hard for people to believe that I would go to Japan and not have much interest in Tokyo. I didn’t really quite understand it myself. A Japanese friend of mine recently moved to Tokyo after becoming a business man and working at a company there. He dislikes the term “salaryman” which is often the word used to describe business men. He gets offended if we ever call him a salaryman even though that is technically what he is. What I usually think of when I hear “salaryman” is an older Japanese male wearing a black business suit, sitting on a train or standing in a convenience store asleep or reading a porno magazine in public. I also think of someone who rarely ever spends time with his family and only gives financial support. I picture a man that dedicates his entire life to his job and does not know how to separate himself from his work. This is probably why he doesn’t want anyone referring to him as a salaryman, especially when he is only twenty three. He also says that he thinks that salarymen are known for constantly complaining about how miserable they are at work and how they hate their job. He says that he doesn’t want to be associated with someone who always complains and is miserable. Interesting, no?

I mostly decided to got to Tokyo to spend some time with him before it was time for me to go back to the states. I won’t go into two much detail about everything that happened in Tokyo. Basically it was pretty amazing and it’s always astounding to be able to see such a powerful city with my own eyes. Tokyo shocked me mostly because I didn’t expect to realize how grand and important this city is to the entire world. At the top of Tokyo tower it gave me goosebumps to see the entire city and pick out all of the famous Japanese corporations and business that we all recognize worldwide. Several television network headquarters could be pointed out from the top and I started to wonder when did I ever expect to be seeing the headquarter  of anything from the top of Tokyo? In a weird way that I can’t quite explain all of the buildings, cars, highways, train tracks, and crowds of bustling people kind of moved me. It made me hopeful for my own future. I’ve been feeling a little confused about my own career path. I think it’s important that l mention it so that reader’s know that this sort of feeling is natural. Before coming to Japan I was all set on living in Japan for the rest of my life, working in Japan, and ultimately establishing my entire career here. I think for this reason it’s a good thing to study abroad or live in another country for more than a few months. As time went on I started to realize many things that I didn’t like about Japanese society, as you guys have read and experience along with me, and I started to wonder whether I would truly be happy living and working in Japan.

There are many things I love and truly appreciate about Japan but I am not sure what path to take that’ll lead to me being happy in the future. I don’t want to go down a road just because it’ll give me lots of money. I don’t want to make certain decisions just to be able to say that I live abroad. What use does money have if it’s not making me happy? I need to figure out whether having that title of “Hey I live in Japan” is enough to make me truly happy. I don’t want to be clouded by the fun karaoke times, colorful Japanese city lights, polite people, and delicious food. I feel I need to see the situation past all of that because after awhile those karaoke times and fun food discoveries will no longer be there. What then? I started to wonder if I would be able to survive in the hierarchy of a Japanese business and devote myself to the company as much as they would expect from me. Would they even expect anything at all? Would I be able to manage years of feeling out of place in Japan or would there come a moment where I would finally feel accepted and comfortable? One year is not enough to figure this out. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a year in Japan or in an African country. One year is not nearly enough to grasp the culture fully. Although this year is almost finished I feel that I still am learning everyday. I am still making new mistakes every single moment. I have so many questions that have not been answered about Japanese people and culture. Although I have improved in Japanese, I cannot say that it is anywhere near fluency. Sometimes I still don’t always understand the train announcements or understand my Japanese friends’ manner of speaking. Would I eventually get used to forcing myself to stay quiet and not vocalize what I truly feel? I can’t answer any of these questions now. I see this year as a trial. I tested the waters. In one year you only BEGIN to learn about Japan and get used to its many customs. I was reading back on some of my older entries and found them to be slightly immature and naive. I’m sure if I come back to Japan and re-read even some of my more recent posts I will probably see them as immature and naive as well. Some may say I’m being negative but I think these questions are valid and ones that one should think of when planning one’s own career and path. I just want others to know that it’s natural to doubt your initial plan and that after living in Japan for almost a year your opinion of Japan may or may not change. Some may fall more in love with it and others may fall completely out of love with it. It’s different for everyone. However, I was really appreciative to have other exchange students with me that understand my confusion  and conflict with Japan. It was good to know that I was not alone.

But looking at all these powerful companies from the top of Tokyo Tower made me desire to work in Japan despite my doubts. I started to get lost in my own fantasies. Maybe I got caught up in the moment. I’m not sure what happened but suddenly the idea of working in Tokyo struck me as wonderful as a child realizing that Disney World is somewhere you could actually be able to visit. It was interesting to see how many foreigners were in Tokyo. My friend told me that he has even seen some foreigners wearing Japanese school outfits and attending Japanese schools in the area that he was living. What was even more interesting was how different Tokyo was compared to Osaka. Everything from the accent and intonation, manner of expression, etc. Most people will say that people from Tokyo are colder and more serious and not as willing to help as people from Osaka. I personally can’t say since I didn’t make any friends in Tokyo and was only there for two days. I just loved how lively the city was more than anything. Going to Shibuya and seeing the amount of people at the intersection was amazing. The nightlife in Tokyo was beautiful. Even though I didn’t have enough time to experience it firsthand, just watching was enough to keep me entertained for awhile. As usual all of the Japanese walking these streets were dressed from head to toe as if they had walked out of a magazine. I had never spent much time thinking about Tokyo until this moment. Now I wanted to live in Tokyo and breath this Tokyo air. I wanted to be walking in a crowd, with a cell phone in my hand, with a motive and purpose. I was really proud of my friend, to see that he had made it all that way to Tokyo and was beginning his journey to a successful future.

Everyone has a different objective when going to Tokyo. Mine might seem bland to some people. Some people want to go to Tokyo so that they can visit the famous places like Harajuku, Akihabara, or Roppongi. Akihabara was extremely interesting to me because how much anime culture there was. It felt like I had walked into some unofficial theme park. I also realize that it was unfair of me to dedicate a blog entry comparing South Korea to Japan. I think I made a lot of valid points but it would’ve been wiser of me had I done a comparison between Seoul and Tokyo. Within Japan there are differences between regions and in South Korea it is the same. I think it was my mistake and it is a definite flaw in my blog. I say this because I realized that Tokyo had more similarities with Seoul than Osaka.

While walking through Asakusa there was a summer festival. The energy of the Japanese during a festival is astounding! There was so much energy and enthusiasm that if i were Japanese I would’ve had lots of pride in that moment. When I was small this was one of my early dreams. I had always wanted to be surrounded by such rich, traditional Japanese culture such as this. What is magnificent about Tokyo is how it mixes traditional and modern things better than any other place in the world that I have visited. One moment you’ll see a shrine standing right next to a soaring building. Another moment you’ll see a person wearing a kimono through a sea of business-attire wearing people. It’s one thing that I think makes Japanese incredibly unique. As advanced and modern as they are they have never forgotten to include themes of traditional culture.

My experience in Thailand opened my mind even more thanks to a Thai tattoo artist with dreadlocks that I met. I wanted to get a tattoo in Thailand which may come as a surprise to many. I wanted to get a bamboo tattoo of a Buddhist symbol of some sort which was inspired by Mr.Sea from the Korean hostel that I had the pleasure of staying at during winter. I found his Thai bamboo tattoo fascinating, unique, and I was drawn to it. Those that I was traveling with from school also were planning on getting one. However this tattoo artist caused me to realize something that seems so obvious. The fact that it’s so obvious is probably why when I came to

understand what he was saying it made it that much more life changing. After flipping through a book full of Buddhist symbols and inscriptions and continuously

asking him what each meant he decided to stop us. “I think you guys should come back after you’ve thought about it more. Think about what you want. Think about the meaning behind the symbol that you choose. I honestly don’t understand some of these symbols because they are written in ancient Thai. Find something that you feel connected to and then come back to me,” he said to us. This man could have easily allowed us to pick any design and take our money if he wanted. He could have easily just lied to us and said a certain symbol was exactly what we were looking for.

His simple comments caused reality to smack me in the face. From the moment that I arrived in Thailand I was judging the Thai people as money hungry, lost, andlacking respect for themselves. I saw them as people who accepted their status of total dependency on foreigners. I saw them as people who focused too much on sex. However this man made me realize that I don’t know a damn thing. I have no right to judge anyone. I have no right to claim that I know these people. Who am I to think that I can go to their country and throw these allegations around freely? Who do I think I am that I think I can try and define who they are? I have not lived their life. I have not spoken their language. I have not studied their culture or religion. I am in no place to judge them. In doing that I am being just as ignorant as the foreigners who go to Thailand to get cheap items and have sex with her people. I am being just as ignorant as those that visit Thailand to swim in her beaches, take photos of her land just to brag to friends and family, and then leave without having learned anything. Although his advise pertained to a tattoo design, I felt that he may have been intelligently telling us something else. I realized how insulting it must be for three foreigners coming into a tattoo shop and wanting to pick out a random Buddhist symbol to put on their bodies. I don’t know the first thing about Buddhism in Thailand. I suddenly realized how disrespectful it would have been had we gone through with it. Who am I to think that I can just walk in and put something on my body without even caring to understand the history and beauty of that Buddhist symbol?

He also proved me wrong in thinking that Thai only focus on figuring out a way to get money from foreigners. I began to look at the hagglers and wondered how many of them were genuine. Then I realized that it is not a question about goodness or honesty but a question of survival. What needs to be done must be done. I have never lived one day in their shoes. I don’t know if those people are going hungry or not. I will never be able to understand how parents can put their five year old children to sell things in streets full of prostitution and drinking. I won’t understand any of this until I have lived with them, among them, and as one of them. I don’t know what any trials and tribulations that these Thai have faced in their lives. It was even easy for me to judge the man that was beating the elephant that I had the honor to ride on in Thailand. I would wince every time he would bring down a metal sickle onto the elephants head or grab at it’s face with the sharp end of the sickle. He would then smile at us and ask us if we were having fun. I didn’t know how to smile back and answer happily. I just couldn’t believe how he was treating their nation’s precious animal. Although he may be wrong for doing so, I still cannot be one to judge him. I don’t know what is going on in his head. I don’t know what his childhood was like for me to just say that he is despicable and an embarrassment to Thailand. I cannot say that. I instead felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for all of the people that I had judged. How many others must be judging them as well? One thing that I dislike is when someone judges me without knowing the last thing about me. They face this danger every single day as foreigners look down on them and throw around their foreign cash loosely, almost saying that because their currency is better they know more about the world.

In Phuket, we hired a man(who kind of looked like my dad) to took us around in his little personal boat. When we told him that we’d be going with him his face lit up in the most genuine smile that I’ve seen in awhile. He seemed so appreciative and took us from bay to bay, let us snorkel for no additional cost, and was very helpful with everything. All he was asking was for $30 total and since there were three of us it would only come down to $10 for something that should have cost a couple hundred. I would observe his mannerisms and compare them with the other boaters and he emitted an absolute honesty. When we reached one island he even walked around and picked up the water bottles that people had left on the sand while other boaters merely ignored it. The woman at the hostel introduced me to her family and was so willing to answer any questions about Thailand that I had.

I really wish the best for the Thai people. All those faces that I saw that seemed so numb to the insanity surrounding them. Children who seemed to have lost any chance at a real childhood. Parents who had no choice but to take on jobs they normally wouldn’t have. I also feel like I should say sorry to the Thai that are educated, are proud of their Thai heritage, and have managed to rise up high in the job industry by their own hard work and studies. I apologize to all those Thai that are professionals and live in areas that do not have wandering children, prostitutes, or scammers because I made the grave mistake of grouping so many people in one category.

The least that the Thai people deserve from those visiting their country is respect and understanding. Actually this applies to any country. From now on when I visit any other country I will think twice before I go formulating such negative ideas in my head. It just is not right in my opinion. My time in Thailand opened my eyes entirely and my lack of knowledge makes me want to return one day to this magnificent land. Thailand’s architecture was a dreamland unlike one I ever thought I would experience. The humility in the wai, the strong presence of Buddhism, the peace of the temples, and the intelligence of this nation are all something that I truly did appreciate.  Something inside me wants to return to find answers to my questions and doubts about Thailand. I want to learn more about her and be educated. I want to give her the attention and care that she deserves. Maybe one day at some point in time I will find myself somewhere in a Southeast Asian country challenging myself further. Maybe one day I will come to understand and appreciate Thailand past her beautiful, golden palaces and crystal, clear beaches. Thailand gave me a lesson that I would have never gotten had I never gone and it’s a lesson that I will carry with me to the end of time. I don’t have to like what others do in their lives, but I must never judge others in such a manner because that is not my place in this world.

For spring break I took a trip to Thailand which is one of the most random things that I’ve done. This post is about my initial thoughts while in Thailand which means they are judgmental and coming from someone who knew next to nothing about Thai culture or language. For that reason I titled this post “My Ignorance”, to give an honest, raw, and ignorant first impression of visiting Thailand. I think that many of us hold many ignorant, possibly inaccurate, and uneducated opinions and views but we all have the ability to learn and  change this. The next post will be what I learned from my experience in Thailand and how it opened up my mind and made me realize many things.

Arriving to Thailand felt like the most natural thing to me. Thailand was so tropical with it’s hot weather and green plants that I felt at home. Things were a little more run down, the traffic was wild, and there was no air conditioning anywhere. At one point I heard a rooster and if I closed my eyes I found myself right in my grandmother’s house in Puerto Rico. What was more surprising is that I physically could blend in with Thai people which was sort of a shock for me. It was slightly intimidating because Thai would speak to me in Thai mistaking me for one of them. I even got called over by a tuk tuk driver, a sort of mini taxi in Thailand, and he says, “Hey! You! Where are you from? You from Thailand? You look Thai.” Naturally the next thing he does is try to get me to get into his tuk tuk.

One of the culture shocks in Thailand was how often you get approached as you are walking down the streets. You get approached by tuk tuk drivers, taxi drivers, random people selling ornaments and accessories, and later on in the night the prostitutes come out. They persist and sometimes follow you until you either deny them several times, ignore them, or they get tired of trying. I had just gotten off of a twelve hour bus ride from the south of Thailand back up to the north when someone comes up to me and asks me where I am going. He then tried to force me to get onto his motorbike taxi, claiming that he would charge me 600 baht (around $18) to take me to the airport whereas a metered taxi would be around 800 baht. I knew he was lying so I said no. He then hands me his motorbike helmet and when I try to give it back to him he wouldn’t take it. He tries to haggle, “How much do you pay? How much? Tell me.” I was too exhausted to want to deal with any haggling. I just wanted a metered taxi and a fair price. It seemed so difficult to find any fair price anywhere. I told him no several times and he continued. Eventually I had to put my hands together to form the wai, a Thai greeting and gesture, and tell him that I was sorry but I was not interested. I found a metered taxi and it turned out to only be 450 baht. Everywhere I went someone was trying to cheat me and get more money from me. If you haggled with them sometimes they would get angry and frustrated and curse at you in Thai. Other times they would come running to you to beg you to come back. Some places even charged to use the toilet which was something I had never even heard of before.

Japan is an incredibly comfortable country. Everything is clean and toilets even come with heated seating. In Thailand toilets did not even have toilet paper. I am not complaining, I think everything that happened in Thailand was an amazing experience. What was common in Thailand was using a spray next to the toilet. You grab the hose that looks like a garden hose and you squeeze it to spray. That’s all there was to clean yourself. When I rode the bus from the north to the south we stopped at rest stops that did not even have flush for the toilets. You walk in and the toilet was a squat-toilet where there is a hole in the ground. Then next to that is a pool of water and a bucket. You grab the bucket and fill it with water and put it down the hole to stimulate a flush. No one was there to explain this to me so I wasn’t sure what to do, but it’s common sense once you look around and put the pieces together in your head.

Walking down the streets at night was shocking as well. I was naive in that I didn’t know that prostitution was so prevalent in Thailand. I felt that every few steps we took there was a prostitute trying to get your attention, talking with friends, or already walking around with a client. You then have men who come up to you and show you a picture of a naked woman and ask you if you want to see a “pussy show”. In certain parts of Bangkok we even had people come up to us and say, “You want a Thai gay boy? You want? I can give you one.” Finding a boy or a girl to have sex with in Thailand seemed to be too easy. There were boys dressed as girls with sex changes all over the place as well. These “Lady Boys”, which are considered a third gender in Thailand,  were very popular amongst foreign tourists. This might be shocking to people who are close-minded about such things. I found it odd that some tourists were walking around with their young children with all of this around. You would see older caucasian men walking with a Thai male holding his hand almost every night. Not just boys but Thai women seemed to be tourists’ prized possessions. I found it degrading. I couldn’t understand how the Thai people in these areas could so willingly give themselves to foreigners. Maybe their living conditions were so poor that they had to stoop down that low to get good money. Maybe they admired Westerner’s so much that they didn’t mind it. The more I saw Thai people clinging onto another Caucasian foreigner, wearing next to nothing, with money on their mind the more I couldn’t help but feel that Thailand was not a country that truly belonged to the Thai people.

Almost every Thai person knew some English and everything was done in English there because of the high amount of tourism. I felt ignorant, not speaking one word of Thai in my entire stay. Every time we ordered at a restaurant it would always be in English. In Japan and in Korea it would seem incredibly odd if you just went up to a cashier and ordered in English. In Thailand it seemed pretty normal, accepted, and expected. I’ve never really been to any other country that focuses on the tourist industry so much but I find it kind of depressing. Not many people were making an attempt to understand the Thai people. Not many made an attempt at learning a Thai word because everything was already ready and prepared for them in English. So many foreigners seemed to be going to Thailand just for sex. I would look at these older Caucasian men and wonder if they felt ashamed of themselves. Were they ashamed that they were possibly sleeping with a Thai boy or girl that has been abused, had no parents, or no hope for a better future? Did that not matter to them? Now that they had a piece of Thai flesh they can go back to their country and work at their company and pretend as though they hadn’t done any such things during their vacation. What were Thai people thinking? What could be going through their minds? Due to tourists not only was the sex industry benefiting but so were local restaurants, convenience stores, and vendors. So many people’s lives depended on tourists.

When I went to Phuket in southern Thailand (after getting cheating and taking a near 20 hour hell bus ride and finding my way with a friendly Spanish man, a hairy hippie Australian woman, and a French couple) there were dancing poles at every restaurant and bar near the beach. Every pole had one girl or several girls dancing on it. Some of the girls were actually men (such as the picture to the right). There was so much sexual energy everywhere that I felt like it was constricting me. Sitting at a table at one bar I look over at one of the many people trying to attract tourists into cheap clubs and bars. One of the boys was holding a sign promoting the clubs’ prices. He was a short Thai boy of Chinese descent who must’ve been around my age. Suddenly a man who was dressed in a security or police outfit comes up behind this kid and grabs the boy’s penis in front of everyone and keeps walking as if he hadn’t done anything. The boy was shocked but quickly recovered and also pretended as though nothing had occurred. He wasn’t dancing or flaunting himself. All he was doing was standing there but still was touched so inappropriately. The sexual vibe here seemed animalistic (as any other place in the world that has this sort of thing).

I then turned sideways and I see a Thai woman with a foreign man in a bar and she brought along her pre-teen daughter. The daughter sat in that bar bored, lost in thought, and even looked lonely. What was her mother thinking? I ignorantly began to judge her mother, assuming that she cared more about the money the foreigner was giving them rather than her daughter’s happiness. Children would be roaming around these streets all alone trying to sell flowers or beads. Some children seemed to be as young as four years old. I didn’t understand where their parents were and why they weren’t worried. Money was more important than the safety and well being of their own children. I began to ignorantly judge everyone and everything. Did Thai people have no respect for themselves? I felt that the Thai let Thailand become the property of others. It became the property of people who did not care for Thailand or understand her language, culture, or history. It was a total disrespect to me and I am not even Thai. I can just imagine my own country and how would I feel if this sort of thing happened. I would feel like my country was being raped over and over again by foreigners who could care less about my people.

One constant theme that I see reoccurring in Asia is that some Asians sometimes seem not to respect themselves or their own culture. They hold Western countries and Western people to such a high pedestal that they seem to forget what makes themselves unique and amazing. All of the advertisements in Thailand had Thai models of Chinese descent or biracial background. I would look around me and see tanned Thai people with dark features, messy clothes, and wonder why those people weren’t getting featured on television or anywhere for that matter. The woman at the hostel that I stood at explained to me, “Thai people of Chinese descent are seen as cleaner because their skin is pale and they are more attractive because of their Chinese features. Biracial actors are becoming more and more popular because their features are more desirable due to the Caucasian influence in their faces.” What does a Westerner have that a Thai person doesn’t have? In my eyes all I see is equality. Thailand’s culture is rich and magically beautiful. The architecture reminds me of a candy-land with it’s bright colors, gold, assorted decorations, and intricate paintings and Buddhist symbolism. Thailand’s food tasted amazing. Darker Thai people were attractive as well, and it wasn’t fair that there seemed to be no representation of them anywhere.

Pt.2 coming soon!

In Japan I have to pay attention to everything I do and try and see how it may come off to others. I have to think so much into things I normally wouldn’t even think about. Did I do something offensive with my chopsticks? Was I allowed to state my opinion so directly? Did I eat every single grain of rice in my bowl? Should I give a present to say sorry or will that come off the wrong way? Am I walking on the wrong side of the street? I don’t want to care anymore. If I feel like walking on the right or left side of the street I want to just do it without having to worry about someone thinking I’m out of place. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. I’m human. What’s so wrong with being human and doing things that aren’t ordinary? The Japanese don’t directly tell anyone, “You should change.” However through their actions you feel pressured. If you don’t change you will stand out and no one wants to stand out in a society where no one stands out.

I was telling my friend this recently. She has been in Japan for only two months and is beginning to feel the pressure from the Japanese due to certain mistakes she has made. She is beginning to realize that you can’t live the way you did in your own country in Japan. If you do then you will simply always feel like you don’t belong. She tells me, “The Japanese care about really minor details.” She is completely right. They care about how they present themselves down to microscopic detail. It’s not just about how they look physically, it’s also about where they come from, what they do, where they study, and the manner that they use Japanese in terms of levels of politeness. There isn’t any time to breath or take a break. I feel like there isn’t a moment to just throw everything down and take a rest. There is no rest for them. They must always be in control of their emotions and are always expected to devote themselves to what they do. What emotional release do they have? It can’t be healthy to bottle everything inside and be molded into something that may not fit who you truly are. I’ve had the experience of feeling like I should change to fit what people wanted from me during my middle and high school years. I tried so hard to be someone that I wasn’t and after a long time of that I felt myself becoming lost. How do Japanese who don’t agree with such a lifestyle cope? Maybe by finding others that are like them they can kind solace and a good escape.

I also realize that I find it difficult to walk out of the house without wearing fashionable clothing. I haven’t decided whether my increase in fashion taste is a good thing or bad thing. I feel guilty when I find a mirror and find myself looking at what I’m wearing or fixing myself. I was never like this. I never cared. If you look at the Japanese you will realize that it is what they do all the time. Not just girls, but also boys will check themselves in the mirror or touch their hair to put it in it’s proper place. Sometimes I have even surprised myself by saying, “I need to buy new clothes.” I feel like I need to keep up with the Japanese because I realize that if I don’t then I will feel out of place and unattractive in comparison. I remember meeting that Japanese woman I wrote about before at the airport in Texas. I remember her saying that she did not want to ever return to Japan and she said, “They care too much about superficial things. They care too much about fashion and about hiding things that shouldn’t be hidden.” I remember immediately thinking, ‘No way! I don’t think this woman is lying but I don’t see how Japanese are like that.’ Now I completely realize what she was telling me. She had given me the biggest heads up anyone could have given me and I did not even realize it. This is how I feel when I tell my friends about issues in Japan. It isn’t that they don’t believe me but they are hesitant to believe that it could be true. I was there and I understand how it’s difficult to truly believe in such statements. I understand how it can come off as ludicrous and negative. I have learned to never immediately doubt what someone says and that I shouldn’t dismiss their statements due to my own lack of experience or knowledge.

I feel so out of place sometimes that I feel as though I physically can’t fit in. Japanese bodies are built differently and clothes here are made for their kind of body type. I can imagine this being especially difficult for those that are on the heavy side and living in Japan where heavy people are few. I tried buying shoes the other day and I couldn’t fit into any shoe even though my shoe size is the average. The problem is that my foot was too wide and I asked the man if he had shoes that were wider and he said, “Japanese shoe style isn’t usually wide.” No matter what I do I will never be Japanese. I can’t have their clear and smooth skin. I will never have their eye shape. Even though my hair is black and straight I will never have their hair texture. Sometimes being around all Japanese all the time makes me feel slightly inferior. My perspective of what is attractive has changed since coming to Japan and I feel that I don’t fit that concept here. It has been since August of last year that I haven’t had Puerto Rican food or been around Puerto Rican culture. I feel disconnected from my culture and I feel that I need to remind myself about what is good about my culture and who I am and where I and my family are from. One thing I definitely cannot change is my race and ethnicity. I will never be Asian but being in a country that is geared to a 98% Japanese population it is natural to feel what I am feeling.

I believe that in the future when I return to Japan everything will be easier for me. Once you go through your difficult moments of miscommunication, misunderstandings, embarrassment, and feeling unaccepted it will suddenly become more easier one day. Learning is difficult but afterwards you have gained a knowledge that will make things easier for you from then on. I’m not giving up on Japan. I know that these frustrating moments are just teaching me how to better deal with Japan in the future. One thing I look forward to once I go back to the states is not caring so much about everything. I’ll wake up and walk outside in my pajamas. I’ll sit on the bus with my legs propped on the seat with my music blasting. I will speak my mind freely without worrying about offending anyone. I will be who I am without feeling the pressure to change.

However, honestly, this is what makes each country so interesting. The funny thing is that I know I will miss how Japan keeps everything in order and organized. Although I can do what I want I know I will go back to the states and be conscious of my presentation. Even though I’m upset right now I know that it’s teaching me something but I have yet to fully realize it.

Studying abroad is a major test to see if I’m truly capable of being able to understand other cultures as well as I think I can. Before you read on I feel like I should have a disclaimer and say that this post was written out of frustration due to recent things that have occurred. Being in Japan has pushed my limits in many ways and lately I’ve been trying to make an excuse for my complaining. I say that my complaining is a form of trying to figure Japanese culture out which in part is true, but on the other hand I should simply admit that I also complain because some days I just can’t take it. Some days I want to break loose and rebel against Japanese society as ridiculous as that sounds.

It’s no doubt that Japanese culture is beautiful and wondrous but one thing that the media doesn’t show the world is how difficult Japanese culture is to understand and feel accepted. I’ve talked about this stuff in my blog before but the more I’m in Japan the more pressure I feel. I’ve realized that although the United States has many issues with immigrants, I don’t think that Americans force anyone to directly change themselves. You have people living in the U.S that have kept their culture and continue to live as though they were still in their own country. They don’t need to change their way of thinking, clothing, or manner of expression to fit anyone’s standards.

Japan has a long way to go with opening themselves up to the world. Although they have improved I still feel that they are so closed off to everything. I think they do this by making it so difficult for foreigners to live in Japan or even to gain citizenship. Since almost everyone in Japan is Japanese there is a common way of thought and way of acting that is recognized by all Japanese as acceptable. Japanese know when they should and shouldn’t do something. They know when something is acceptable and when it isn’t. If foreigners do not comply to these unstated rules there is this pressure to change yourself to fit in. I remember reading about how Japanese culture resembles hammering any nail that sticks out. If you stick out then you are hammered back into place with everyone else. That makes so much more sense now that I have been in Japan for seven months. Actually it wasn’t that I didn’t understand it before, but I feel it in my chest now and I can understand it more than just it’s definition.

I’m so exhausted of having to be careful about everything that I do in Japan. I have to be careful not to speak loudly in public transportation or I’ll come off as rude and might get a few dirty looks. I have to be careful that when I’m listening to music on public transportation that others cannot hear my music from my headphones because some Japanese may find that rude as well. On the bus and train it feels like everyone just looks straight ahead or closes their eyes. I feel they are so disconnected from everything. Now when I get on a bus or train I have learned to stay quiet, mind my business, and look straight. I feel like a robot. It doesn’t feel like who I truly am. When I am with friends I am always so conscious now of how loud they or I speak. When I see Japanese that break the rules I find myself feeling upset at their rudeness just as a Japanese person would. I don’t want to have to care so much anymore. I feel constricted.

I still don’t understand Japanese friendships, relationships, or any other kind of association with the Japanese. I don’t think I will be able to come to understand it in one year. Sometimes I feel like giving up and not even trying anymore. I want to find the strength in me to push back hard and try and break through their walls but then I wonder if it’s even worth it. Why should I try so hard to get close to people that don’t want to get close to me? I want to be treated as an equal. I don’t want to just be “the foreigner” of the group. I think that when Japanese see me they first see me as a foreigner before anything else. I want to be seen as a normal person, an equal that is not so different from them. I’m tired about caring about such stupidity. Why does it matter what country or culture I am from? Why can’t I just be treated the same? I think many Japanese, and Asians in general, seem to automatically assume that Westerner’s are incapable of understanding their culture and mindset. I recently met someone who didn’t even try to get closer to me because they were scared of what cultural misunderstandings would occur.

I’ve had people tell me that they disagree with me. They say that they don’t understand how I could complain about such things when the Japanese they have met are really friendly and warm with them. This is exactly why everyone’s experience in another country is different. We don’t meet the same people. We don’t live through the same exact moments. Above all we are all different people with different personalities and lifestyles. Do I think that every minority in the U.S has had tragic experiences? No. I’m sure that there are minorities who would say they have never experienced any such things and then you have the ones that say they have suffered since day one. Living with a Japanese family causes these things to stick out even more for me. I feel the frustrations of Japanese culture even more because I’m in it most of the time. Had I been living in the dorms with a whole bunch of international students it wouldn’t even feel like I was really living in Japan.

Lately I’ve been pleasantly reminded why I wanted to come to Japan. Japanese culture can be simply amazing. Every season Japanese culture seems to slightly change. The kinds of foods that are eaten, the festivals that occur, and even the mood all change with the seasons. Spring has arrived. For the Japanese spring time is like a breath of fresh air. It is the arrival of good things that include happiness, life, love, and good luck. With spring comes the blossoming of flowers that stimulate the Japanese’s emotions and inspires them to be moved emotionally. To this day they are still very connected with the beauties of nature which is astounding to experience for myself. I’ve never looked forward to the change of seasons as much as I do now. The entire energy in the air shifts and you can feel it in you body and in those around you. This probably mostly has to be because most Japanese think, believe, and act similarly. In the United States you have people that don’t care about the seasons and they continue to live their lives normally. However in Japan everyone changes accordingly and you can feel that.

One especially significant event that has been popular with the Japanese throughout their long history is that of hanami 花見. This is the activity of viewing flowers during full blossom, particularly the sakura 桜 (cherry blossom flowers)which is the Japanese national flower and was even used as a symbol of nationalism at one point in Japanese history. When these flowers begin to bloom the Japanese visit temples, shrines, castles, or even nearby hiking trails or parks to admire the flowers’ beauty. For centuries songs, poetry, and art have dedicated time to incorporate the significance of the meaning of the sakura into a variety of themes.

Soon a Japanese friend of mine must move to Tokyo because of his job and he has recently been quite emotional due to the sakura. One night strolling through Kyoto observing sakura at night he tells, “Sakura are beautiful. Sakura make me feel happy, nostalgic, sad, and excited all at the same time. Sakura remind me of times with my classmates in high school, times with my family, and remind me of the future. Sakura are amazing because they only live for a week or so. They blossom really hard and then die quickly. It is only a short moment which is why we appreciate their beauty even more. It does not last forever. However next year we can look forward to it again.”
I was surprised at how emotionally connected he felt towards the sakura tree. I found it astounding that an entire population can be moved by the same thing. This past weekend I had my first hanami experience with that very Japanese friend and a couple of others. We went to Osaka Castle and pulled out a blue sheet, bought liquor and snacks, and spread ourselves out comfortably. This day is when I realized why Japanese enjoy hanami so much. For me it wasn’t so much about the flowers but how different the Japanese were acting. Things that I rarely ever saw, I was able to see the day of hanami. Families, friends, business partners, and even pets were all gathered beneath sakura trees. People brought barbecue materials, laughed loudly, ran around kicking soccer balls back and forth, or lied down to take a nap under the warm sun. Everyone was drinking and clapping their hands excitedly. A group of people was even playing African drums off in the distance when usually cultural music (even Japanese traditional music) is rarely ever played. I’d never seen the Japanese so animated and happy. I could feel the spirit of the sakura seeping inside of them for that day. It was one day that they weren’t so reserved and enclosed. It was one day where it was okay for them to be loud, drunk in public, and enjoy a moment that is equally emotionally significant for everyone. It made me feel a relief to see Japanese act so open for a change. It also made me realize that all of this is why they probably enjoy hanami so much. It gives them that one chance to break lose and not worry about being so uptight. It was that one chance where they could freely enjoy time with their loved ones and drink under a beautiful tree.

My host mom managed to get a branch of sakura from a nearby tree and she set it at the dinner table to put it on display. Sometimes on television there will be a moment where a clip of sakura trees and close-up shots of the flowers are shown. My host mom quickly says, “Look!” Then we all stay quiet and observe the flower. It’s amazing to see this tradition in practice and in person.

My Japanese friend is currently in love with the song “Sakura” by Moriyama Naotaro in which the lyrics describe friends parting ways and living life separately.  He continues to  sing about how one day in the future they will all be able to meet one again at the same place where the sakura bloom. My Japanese friend applies this to his life and those that he cares about. Although we all will soon be leaving and going down our own separate paths, one day we will be able to meet underneath the sakura tree again as we once did. We will once again be together, once again be able to drink and laugh and be happy. Sakura is more than just a flower or a tree and this is something that enters the very spirit of Japanese identity. I respect it wholeheartedly and it’s just another example of how phenomenal Japanese culture can sometimes be.

One thing that I’ve realized from early on is that I love weekends in Japan. They are phenomenal. It’s not that I particularly do crazy and wild things. I actually prefer to simply get in a car and drive around during weekends. Or better yet get on a bicycle and go around. I love watching the Japanese interact with each other and during the weekends everyone seems more relaxed. You see children spending time with family and families out together in places like parks, tourist attractions, or just playing outside. Everyone seems to be more at peace. What is better is when the temperature is amazing.

This weekend my host parent’s grandchildren came to visit and it has to be one of the highlights of my time in Japan. Initially I groaned to myself and thought, “All of my friends are going out tonight and I have to be at home because the grandchildren are coming.” I have a cold and wasn’t sure that I would have the energy to play with children. It turned out to be amazing though. Having the good spirit that a child brings to the home was a great change from the usual. They made me genuinely feel happy. They made me laugh, played with me, and teased me all at the same time. They screamed, ran around, hit each other, wrestled me, and drew with me. Children have something so pure about them that brings light to others. Today I understood how a parent can fall in love with their child. I understood before but today it came back to my attention. These Japanese children singing songs, beating drums, and yelling as loud as they could made me feel more alive. Shota, the grandson, had a really distinct personality. He wanted to be in the middle of everything. He wanted his presence to be known wherever he was. He would scream just to scream. He would call me, “Christmas” at the top of his lungs and burst into a fit of laughter. Ami, the granddaughter, was feisty yet soft all at once. She would jump on her brothers back and spank him and yell at him to take her somewhere. She would express her opinion so openly and directly that it made everyone laugh. She is intelligent and was good at understanding my instructions when I tried to teach her how to better pronounce the letter “L”.

This morning I could hear Shota outside in the backyard garden screaming out my new nickname and telling me to wake up. Soon enough I found myself in Okaasan’s room throwing balled up socks at them and laughing and feeling like a child again. I felt even more a part of the family after today. Their mother came to pick them up and everyone was in the dining room eating cake and sipping coffee together with the children yelling and everyone conversing and laughing. I felt so happy. I didn’t mind that they were loud. They brought life to the home. They made me realize that not all Japanese families are quiet. I used to remember thinking, “Why don’t I hear children laughing out on the streets? Why don’t I hear anyone doing anything from within their homes?” I am not sure why I hadn’t heard it but I am just grateful for today’s experience because it makes me realize that families like this can be found. Shota yelling could be heard from all corners of the house. Ami singing at the top of her lungs had to have been heard from outside. It reminded me of my cousin Kevin. How he would cling to my leg, yell out for me, and continue to be on me for the entire day. Having a child depend on you and look up to you can be scary but I think that it pushes people to do things that they didn’t know they could do. It forces someone to have more strength than they would have had otherwise. I wish that I knew more Japanese so that I would be able to get closer to these children but the best I could do was say simple things and manage to play with them.

When the children left I felt sad. They were there one moment and then gone the next and the house seemed to have sighed from their lack of presence. I would’ve wanted them to stay and continue transmitting their energy onto everyone else. Okaasan was singing happily today, something I hadn’t heard her do before. She also seemed to be happier. We were outside and she was cutting my hair at the back of my head and she was giggling, amused that she was attempting to help me cut my hair. Otousan also seemed more energetic. He was playing with both kids as they helped him with the garden work. Today’s weather was just amazing as well. It feels like it is finally spring time. I felt at entire peace. The other day I went to go see sumo with some friends which was also another amazing day. After months of cold, I have never looked forward to spring or summer so much in my life. I hate that I will be leaving Japan before summer arrives. When I first arrived in Japan during summer I remember hating the heat, feeling disgusting every time I walked outside. I still am not a fan of the heat but having changes in season allows one to appreciate each individual season so much more. Each season in Japan seems so different each other. Each season has different festivals, different foods that get eaten, and each seems to be so intertwined with specific cultural things. I’m going to miss this when I leave Japan. I’m going to miss a lot of things about Japan.

I feel a connection with Japan that is so complicated. Japan you frustrate me yet you make me feel like a happy child again. Japan you make me feel like an alien, a complete and total outsider yet you embrace me with your warmth and kindness. Japan you make me feel entirely clueless and idiotic at times yet have allowed me to realize that I am able to see the world in ways that many others cannot. Your language is difficult and tires me, yet the reason I am drawn to you is for that very reason. Your culture is complicated and intricate, but that is what drives me to want to return. I feel like I have gained more respect for Japan than ever. Respecting her because one finds her interesting is one thing. However, respecting her because you are gradually coming to understand her is another thing

You can’t grasp all of Japan in one year and realizing this kills me. I am not ready to go home when there is so much to learn about this country and about the Japanese people. I wouldn’t want to live in Hirakata or go to Kansai Gaidai if I ever did come back. I would definitely go somewhere else and discover another area. Either way when it is time to leave it is going to kill me. I feel as though my life in the United States is no longer applicable. As frustrating as I know it can be, I still believe that I can spend my life living abroad. Not just Japan but abroad in general. The thought of going back to my same old pattern sort of scares me. I don’t want to go back and see the same things that I’ve seen for so long. Although I have left my family for a year, I feel that there is nothing else for me back home besides them. I feel ready to go out and start my own life. I don’t want a school program to organize it for me. I want to start my own life and find my own circle of friends and create my own family of friends. I think I’m trying to say that this makes me want to become more independent.

Anyway…I am thankful for days like today. I’m so grateful for the entire experience and for all of the people that I’ve been able to meet.